I just keep asking myself if this is all worth it; if you are worth it. Because lately you bring me more pain than joy, and I don't enjoy dreaming of you anymore.
I wake up upset and feeling hollow. Wanting so much something I can't have that I don't even know what to do about it and how to fill that void.
Because I have nothing to fill it with. The only thing I want is you and you don't even know it, or worse, you don't even care about it, about me.
So it hurts, and I hate it. And I can't stop even when I want to so badly. I tell myself not to think about you only to end up doing that same thing. And it's driving me insane.
It's like starving in a sealed, empty room. Being hungry beyond belief while knowing you won't get any food. I crave for you; for your smile, for your touch, for your love. And it's maddening to have none.
I thought I could handle it, that I could control it. I was convinced that I could suppress my feelings for you and be completely indifferent.
I tried everything and anything, even going as far as trying to hate you; but I can't. It's come to the point where I'm not in control of myself anymore.
All it takes it's a look at your face; to see you smiling or hear you laughing. I think of you and I fall all over again. And I hate myself so much for it.
Cause it's my fault, not yours. Cause I'm addicted and can't pull away. You're like a drug, making me feel amazing and destroying me at the same time. I can't quit you, no matter how hard I try.
I'm in way deeper than I ever thought I'll be. The worst part is that I saw it coming when I first laid eyes on you, I just didn't know it would get this far. That I would get this close to you and still be unable to truly reach you.
I thought I could forget you; I tried to ignore you. But you're so magnetic that I can't help keep getting dragged towards you.
The only way I can think about being free of these feelings is by erasing you from my life, but I already know that that's not going to happen.
And I just keep having countless daydreams where I tell you how I feel and they all end the same way because even when I'm a realist I still cling to hope and its illusions.
I'm just sick and tired of going around in circles. Suffering in silence, chained by my secret. Maybe you know, maybe you don't. I don't know because I'm too scared to ask.
Because if you know and you haven't said anything it is a clear sign that you're not interested in that way. And if you don't, it can still be that but with the difference that you might decide to walk away.
The only other option and the most unlike one is that you don't know, yet feel the same way. In which I would end up being a complete idiot for not saying anything sooner.
But that's only one of the three options, and I'm not brave enough to find out which one it is at the end. Cause I don't want to lose you, and I don't want to lose myself.
I don't think I could handle heartbreak nowadays when my life hangs on threads and I claw for reasons to keep waking up in the mornings.
And I know that it all could end with one simple question. What I fear it's not asking, but what answer I'll get. Cause it all ends with that damned question, I just don't know if it's the happy or the sad end.
And despite all that fear and pain, maybe you're not even worth all this trouble. Maybe this love is pointless; an alley with no exit. I just can't help feeling this way. I would rather be dead.
